I remember the first time the word “abuse” entered by head as a word I could use. It was a scary night for me. Lots of dry heaving into my Worcester dorm’s bathtub. I fell asleep, cold sweating, in a tight fetal position with my stuffed lion pulled to my chest. I soon realized that he, Simba, the stuffed animal that I had had since I was three years old, had seen that entire relationship unfold – he was there, in that apartment in Allston, in That Goddamn Bedroom, for that entire year. I was devastated. My heart felt like molasses, sinking down the stairs and into the potentially flooded basement and underground. The symbol of my childhood innocence being stained by a relationship that near removed me from myself…. That was the closest I had been to crying in a long time. That was late November of 2021.

Since then, I have been looking for a way to release all of those emotions, because dry-heaving and almost-crying were nowhere near enough – and with something like abuse, you will never get catharsis from your abuser – it just never happens (nor would I want it too – I hope to never see her again for the rest of my life). From there on I decided to create an album that peels away a horrific onion of resentment. Something that draws my feelings out like an ingrown hair – disgusting, but when it’s out and in the tangible world, you feel so incredibly light compared to before. Almost like catharsis.

From an experience like that – from realizing what the hell happened to me – comes the question, as it does for most other survivors: “How could I let that happen to me?” I sought out my answers from my previous works and found some dreary results: “This Face” was written during the relationship itself. That demo – that demo that I released in January of 2022 – was recorded and mixed during the terminal fumes of that relationship. How did I just let that song slip? How did I not think about it? Of course, I rewrote some words – some lines were previously far too sugarcoated, which was something I did too much of. “Pictures of You” was written shortly after “This Face” and centers around how I was raised as a child – constantly surrounded by an unstable source of anger that I forever fought to dissolve. In deriving my toxic trait of accepting tainted love, a therapist would agree that my childhood is certainly a start.

“######” is the fence of the album that divides the prequels from the sequels. “I’d Kill To Step On Your Neck” was written in November 2021 and “Twin Bed” shortly after, in January of 2022. I wanted to feel the anger rush out of my fingertips as I wrote and played those songs. Every Single Time I played them, I wanted to exist in a mental space that I perceived to be so far from my natural state – Unbridled Rage. I wanted to feel as though I was punching through a wall – through a person (a specific person in mind); ripping down that dentist-blue paint like wallpaper in that Allston apartment; crunching my feet through the steps in that warped staircase. Pure, Unbridled Rage. Uncontrollable. As someone who, in real time, remains so constrained and content in my own constrain, I wanted to slam those walls down like the doors to a garage and let the anger flood out of me.

I created this album for myself, this is true. I sincerely hope, however, that in a world of sucking-it-up-and-living-with-it, you all can find validation for your anger in this as well. It may be from a relationship, may not be. But I hope that this album is something you keep in your back pocket to bask and feel grounded in your anger. It is a misconceived emotion. Healthily bathing in anger is a great thing, within reason.

I could not thank my support system enough. You know who you are. I love you all dearly, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you. Thank you to the Carpet Server for never questioning a minute of this music flying at you; thank you to Thomas Briggs for piecing it all together and casing it in a beautiful bow; thank you to my friends and family for being my rock in all of this; and thank you, especially, to Mx. Kris McCarthy – this would not be as flammable of a storm without you, and I am so grateful that it is. So, without further ado, everyone meet Tar Queen; Tar Queen, everybody.